The Manager - 129 - They're not wrong
THE MANAGER - BY ROB LAMBERT
Hi,
I hope you are super safe and doing well. It's been a crazy busy week for me with Birthday parties, new videos launched, the new Etsy store and my on-going HR course.
I was working with a client who is having trouble reigning in some of the strong opinions about management and agility. You know, those people (all consultants) who've either only learned one way of doing something, or believe so strongly in THEIR approach that all others are invalid? Well, these people are everywhere and in this case, they were literally shouting down everyone else with different opinions. And let's face it, scrum is not the answer to every agility problem :) (in fact, it's rarely the right answer at all....)
Sadly though, it's painful to work with people who have immovable strong opinions and aren't afraid of telling everyone that their views are the best and everyone else is wrong.
Well, here's how I deal with this situation at exec, management and employee levels.
Truly Listen
The first step is to truly listen, even if their words are so contagious, inflammatory and insulting that they make your face twitch. Listen to what they are saying. What is the main theme, core point or main thesis? What is it they are truly trying to say, even if it rubs against every fibre of your soul and they deliver it in a way that is aggressively dominating.
By listening we are showing respect and everyone deserves it - at least initially. We may also learn something, or think differently about our own views.
Don't take it personally
It's hard to develop this skill but worth it. Other people's views, opinions and words are not really directed at you personally. They may be poor communicators - often the case. They may be insecure about the task at hand and the only tool they have is method X or approach Y - so they ram it home as they know of nothing else. They may be overly confident, they may be arrogant, they may be scared - we don't know. It's why I reckon 99% of the time, their words are not aimed at your personally - they are compensating for something much more personal within themselves.
And if the words are aimed at you and so personal that it makes you gasp with pain, remember to breathe, pause and think: "what deep inner turmoil must they be in to say that?". What would have to be going on in my life to say something so hurtful?
Try not to take it personally.
Appreciate they are not wrong
Even if you think they are wrong, and you know of a different way that works (we'll come to that) it's no use going against what someone believes.
Beliefs, certainly long held, can rarely be changed by arguments, confrontation, disagreements or logic.
Appreciate that what they are saying, no matter how silly or badly delivered, is what they believe and we all have the right to believe what we believe. It's how it's delivered that is the problem. We are entitled to believe what we wish.
Instead, keep listening, keep showing empathy and either ignore, or do the following.
Learn their side of the argument better than they do
The best way to win an argument, if you are even going to take on this challenge (some things do need challenging), is to understand their argument better than they do. Study, learn, understand and if you still don't trust this approach, then you'll at least know how to pick it apart.
The worst thing to do is push your views against their views. Beliefs against beliefs - it rarely ends well.
Ask questions to either clarify points for learning, or to carefully unpick their views. Be careful, only keep doing this if what they are saying is clearly wrong, will lead to problems or is based on views that aren't welcome in the workplace. Otherwise, ignore them and save your energy.
Sometimes, a good disagreement about ways of working, tech etc is healthy and leads to better solutions, but only if people are willing to compromise.
Questions help everyone learn and often times, they can nudge people to question their own strong held beliefs.
The other way works
As professionals at work we need our beliefs, views and experience of what works, but we should also appreciate that the other way works too. Other ways of working, work.
As such, it pays to understand that other ways have worked in the past and are working somewhere. They may even work in your company.
This is why it pays to listen and understand, then challenge if you don't believe it will work. But just because someone believes something different, doesn't mean it doesn't work.
Ignore
If someone is really ramming home their idea, not listening, not accepting that other ways work and is doing it in a way that is causing grief in the business, then ignore them as much as possible.
If they are your direct report, deal with it through feedback. If they are your peer, offer them some feedback then move on. If they are outside of your sphere of influence, ignore them and keep going. It's not worth wasting your time and energy on most things that upset others. If it's directed at you, take some action (like the above), if it's hurting others then take action, if not, try not to let it worry you.
Communicate with clarity and kindness
I often find that it's very easy to undo argumentative people by simply being a better communicator. Listening, carefully responding and being articulate can often undo shouty, aggressive, in your face people. It doesn't take long for a rational, careful and considered person to undo someone losing themselves to emotions.
Don't be like them
If something is worth fighting for, fight for it. If it's not, move on. The worse thing we can do when faced with someone with strong opinionated ideas is to be like them. Be the better person. Rise above it, deal with it through feedback (if you have role power) or challenge carefully, but try not to fight fire with fire. Fight it with kindness, empathy and excellent communication skills.
Listen, empathise, ask questions, ignore them, counter them, talk to them, move on - but don't force your ideas at other people. Don't be like them - it's the best thing for the soul.
A bit of a ramble, but it's how I deal with people who have no empathy when it comes to communicating their ideas. They ram it home, shout, put others down and force their ideas - and it's not good. This is how I deal with it.
How about you?
Rob
Latest Video
Last week I released a video about calendar blocking (time blocking) and how I use it to get epic amounts of work done. We're all different though, but maybe it will resonate with you.
https://youtu.be/U2e8Vk4ssNM
Etsy Store
Grab some fun Printables to print at home or the office. Some art, some templates, some jokey - all fun.
FOOD FOR YOUR BRAIN
1 - Give employees feedback not praise. This article is interesting in that it talks about how some people like public recognition, whilst others hate it. I agree. But don't give praise. Give feedback about the positive behaviours. Praise is empty - there is little to learn from praise.
2 - Data is great but it's not a replacement for talking to customers. Be data informed, not data driven.
3 - Stop telling women they have imposter syndrome
4 - Some people who gave up social media.
5 - Who would have thought that email signatures could be so impactful?
6 - How to eat a book
7 - Is the focus on hybrid working post pandemic just a red herring?
Learn with me
Learn how to develop your superpower in the world of work - effective communication skills.
My award winning in-person Communication workshop, is now online as a modular text only course. Complete it at your own pace, practice the lessons with practical exercises and develop a solid understanding of the science of communication.
Find out more here.
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Thanks
Rob..